I Lost My Baby

Assalamualaikum everyone.

So, as the title says, I've lost my baby during my third month of pregnancy. It was a hectic week at work. I had important report to be done and that was when I lost it. I'm not sure whether it was because of stress or whether my baby just not growing much as the doctor said. No reason. I just lost it out of sudden. It was on Friday where I had to work until 10pm to finish my report. Then, on Sunday night I had spotting and minor cramp. I thought it was just a normal stomach ache. So, I tried to sleep. At about 1pm I started to bleed heavily and cramping. I think it was the so called contraction when you are having childbirth. The pain came in the interval of 15 minutes at first then it became more frequent until every minute interval which made me cannot sleep for the entire night. It was so painful that I begged my husband for pain killer however there was none at home and the clinic or pharmacy are close at that hour. So, I just had to bear the pain until morning. I cried the whole night because it was too painful. Then, the next morning, I went to the clinic to check and the doctor confirmed that my baby is gone. The doctor advised me to wait until the fetus naturally come out. If it didn't then only he will do the D&C. So that night my baby came out and we buried it in the field in front of our house. I'm not okay but I'll accept everything that God has planned for me. I hope there will be better things for me next time... 😢

Strong Girl

Hi. Assalamualaikum.

I ni jenis yang susah menangis. Selagi boleh bertahan memang sumpah takkan nangis. Sometimes terfikir, tak normal ke I ni kenapa tak nangis. Setahun boleh kira berapa kali je nangis. Sekarang ni I tengah ada problem yang taknak lah cerita kat blog for now. Nanti dah sedia I cerita okay. Masalah yang sangat menekan maka I sangat tertekan tapi still tak ada setitik air mata pun keluar lagi. Ada je rasa nak nangis tapi selalu cam otak ke hati I ke apa potong cakap jangan nangis, you're stronger than this, apa pointnya nangis, tak selesai masalah pun. So I ended up tak nangis.

It's not like I nak cakap yang orang kuat menangis ni lemah. NO OKAY! I tak rasa macam tu langsung. Tapi untuk diri I sendiri memang I strict gila. Tak boleh nangis, kau kuat kau boleh hadap semua ni. That's just me. Degil and ada satu pendirian yang tak suka orang lain nampak I lemah, I sedih, I sakit. Kadang-kadang bila I sakit pun I selalu tak nampak macam sakit because I push myself to not look sick. So, orang keliling selalu ingat I sihat je waktu I sakit. Memang jenis yang tak suka orang simpati or menyusahkan orang. So I prefer pendam and hadap sendiri. My husband pun selalunya tak tahu apa I rasa sebab I suka macam ni.

Should I change? No right? Setiap orang ada character masing-masing. So let me be me.

Kesimpulannya, I will not cry until it is too much to bear. Please doakan semuanya baik-baik je untuk I. My heart hurts so bad I don't know how long I can tahan. So please pray for me.


My New Blogger Template

Hi. Assalamualaikum.

So today I changed my blog template. I bought my blog template from Etsy. And I think it's cute so I love it. I bought it for $4.99. It was actually priced at $30 and I'm lucky I found the template and it was on sale! Huge mark down guys how can I not buy it?! Hence, I think I'll use this template for a long time because I bought it. All this while I just used free blogger template so I feel nothing. But for this new template I'm excited! I hope I'll love it for long because knowing myself I'm the type who gets easily bored with things. Haha let's see...

So what do you guys think? Yay or Nay? 😍

Occasional Rant 1


I just want to pour my heart out here so you actually can skip this post. I just don't get my colleague. She has a lot of pending works, she rants about it and yet she said we should do some other things that are not in our job scope because she thinks it's better to standardize everything. Whattt?! Please settle your piles of pending works before you talk about things that is beyond your authority. Just shut it! So I can't help but to go against her statement, so I said "For me, I think it's better if we do what we have to do. There's a reason why we have different department in a company. If we do everything including theirs then what is their function then?". And then, I kept quite. Malas already nak layan. I seriously don't get the way she thinks. Why do you want to question everything when your piles of works are still pending. So much time to spend on unnecessary things is it? 😒
Okay that's all. Bye.